Talking About Spoons
Also news about shows and upcoming events
You know with so much going on in our world, I often feel pressed to make direct commentary on what is in the air at that moment. This week there were so many things that are being bantered and discussed that have touched, moved, concerned and perplexed me. But for today’s post, I felt like opening up space for the inner heart and inner voice and how that interacts with the complexities of the outer world. I just felt like writing about self care in uncertain times.
I really do trust that you, dear readers, continue to care about the better kinder world, that you are making positive change in the ways available to you, close and three feet or so. I believe to my very bones that I am not alone in my concerns and longing for clarity and the ability to sense the presence of a great wild mercy in the world. And I sense that when we look for them, there are still blessed spaces in our lives where we can explore and consider how to stay grounded, centered in what matters most, faithful to the authentic person we are, and attuned to the nudging of who we are becoming. As we enter into post-covid processing and assessment, many of us are feeling a little rusty with community and relationship. Many of us are assessing where our time is well spent, our presence life-giving and our work most generative - and what we choose not to participate in or less often partake.
So this is a little story of how one person was able to articulate the framing of her choices for intentional self compassion and self care. Recently I was speaking with someone diagnosed with a challenging illness. This person has a hard time saying, “no”. This wonderful soul is often is the go-to person for all kinds of random tasks and needs. Being helpful and nurturing is beautiful part of this person’s spirit, but to navigate this health challenge she was going to have to learn how assess and sometimes advocate for her own well-being. She was going to have to make hard choices and ground her self in loving action (even for herself).
I told her this story (that my amazing and wise daughter told to me) that describes a good way to facilitate talking about self-care with grace and a little humor.
Story - Its All About Spoons
A woman who was living with Lupus was trying to explain to a friend how she needed to take care and make choices about her energy output. The friend was well meaning, but just didn’t get it. So the woman took a hand full of spoons from the drawer and laid them on the kitchen table.
She said, “Each spoon is a unit of energy. I only get so many spoons in a day. I can’t take spoons from yesterday or steal some from tomorrow. This is it, all my spoons for one day.
Then she scooped up a few of the spoons and said, "This is how many spoons I will need to just get up, shower, dress and drive to work.”
Then she said, “To responsibly show up and be fully present at work, I need this many spoons.” She took a few more spoons off the table.
Then she said “I’ll need this one spoon to pick up a couple of things at the grocery store on the way home.” She took away another spoon.
Then she said, “These are the two spoons I have left for the day. I can use them to help my daughter with her homework with quality and presence, or I can give them to something else. That something else might be tedious or something I really don’t want to do. It could also be something very meaningful that I’d really love to do. But I only have these two spoons and I have to choose.”
At that point the friend began to more fully understand, and the woman continued by saying, “So when I tell you I’m all out of spoons, I’m not saying what you are suggesting isn’t a good idea. It only means, I have to make hard choices everyday and I try to make those choices with as much love as I can…even for myself.”
Her friend nodded and finally understood - and of course they had a big ol’ hug fest.
The point of telling this story today, is to maybe give some language to something we all navigate, choosing where we will give our spoons in the course of a busy day and busy life. I’ve told this story to many people, and “how’s your spoons” has become short hand for checking in with love and allowance for what the other person is feeling or needing in that moment.
In an era when we are pressed fill up every second of every day, in a time when we see Facebook and Instagram feeds lifting up a life of perpetual motion, in a time when taking a deep breath and letting it out needs to be intentional - this is a story of language and encouragement.
Yes, there is much to do, and our callings and longings are deeply important. I just finished reading another beautiful book by Niall Williams. In his stunning book, This is Happiness, he talks about the gift of passing time together, in companionship, in conversation, sometimes in silence. He spoke so touchingly about how with breath and compassion we can enter into not just spent time, but time well spent.
Anyway…. you have a daily allotment of physical, emotional and spiritual “spoons.” Take care and give those spoons to what feels most life-giving and true. Know that you are not alone with your concerns and longings, you are in holy community with others who share your wrestlings with time and timing.
Question
What do you think about this story about “spoons.” Does this give you language for something you wrestle with at times?
New Album To Be Recorded In May/June. A Great Wild Mercy
I’ll be sharing backstage fun with you all and some special videos and clips with Supporting Subscribers. Thanks to everyone for reading A Gathering of Spirits and deep appreciation to those who help keep the lights on with your generous gifts.
Up Coming Shows - Ann Arbor MI and Chicago IL
May 20 - The Ark Ann Arbor MI
I love performing at the Ark, one of the most respected acoustic music venues in the country. I’ll be performing with Gary Walters and my friend Mike Green will be opening the show! Get your tickets early!
Here’s the Ark Direct Link for Tickets
May 21 - The Old Town School of Folk Music
The Old Town School is legendary! A beautiful musical space and it is always such a treasure to perform shows there. I often sell out this venue, so get your tickets soon!
Here’s the OTS Direct Link for Tickets
Also I’ll be performing with Gary Walters for For ticket information visit www.carrienewcomer.com/tour
Beloved Carrie--
Thank you for giving me another spoon for today, for I’ve learned that I can receive spoons of energy as well as use them. My daughter is a fork collector, so I eagerly turned to read your reflections rather than leaving it “to be read.” I thought I might find a connection between spoons and forks.
Then I read your story about the spoons and bust out laughing. For I learned about the spoon theory about five years ago. I have lived with a chronic illness for six years and a year into it, my sister ran across the spoon theory on Facebook and shared it with me. Now, before I say yes to another activity, my husband will ask “Will you have enough spoons to do that?” Sometimes the answer is “yes” and sometimes “no.” But having a way to frame my choice helps me focus on what’s truly important and feeds my soul and what is something that is best left undone - by me at least.
Just writing this post has cost me a spoon, but it has also brought me joy. Thanks for your prompt and reminder of the importance of loving ourselves as our neighbors.
Yes! Thank you, Carrie! I have RA and I shared the "spoon theory" with my friend who has lupus. She loved it! I try to implement this each day but it can get away from me. I end up running out of spoons way too soon and have no reserves so I end up exhausted. How do I figure out the correct number of spoons to start with? Anyone have advice for me? Thank you! And much love to you Carrie for all you do for us with your music and your wise words. ❤️