Kindness Practice - Sunday Reflection

Myth 2 - The myth of perfection and niceness

Photo by Håkon Grimstad on Unsplash

Good Mornioring kindness.  If you missed last week’s post, I related a lovely experience with the ServiceSpace.org Kindness Pod, and decided to make my March Sunday reflections about kindness - exploring the transformative power of kindness practice, myths and challenges. You can check out last week’s post on my substack page.

Myth 2 - Kindness practice requires us to be superhuman, totally enlightened or infinitely patient and “nice”.  Ok, if kindness practiced required that sort of perfection, I would have flunked out of being-a-decent-human-being school a long time ago.  I love the idea of “practice”.  Practice doesn’t imply or require perfection.  Practice implies intention, a willingness to keep exploring and see what happens and to keep learning. Practice is as much about being kind and compassionate with ourselves as it is about being kind and compassionate to others.  I should also mention that being nice (which is the 11th commandment in the Midwestern USA - Thou Shalt Always- Under The Penalty of Casseroles & Jello Salads with Unfortunate Ingredients- “Make Nice”)  is different than the practice of loving kindness.  Niceness is often about keeping the peace or getting someone to like you.  There is nothing wrong with likability, but its different than the practice of kindness.  Kindness is really more about the deep well-being of others and ourselves. Sometimes the kindest thing you can do is disagree, speak up or create healthy boundaries. But essentially it is about deep well-being.

I have a part of myself that can lean into perfection, and there are good things about that part of myself.  I love honing on song lyrics, finding not just a good or serviceable word but searching until the word really feels right. I can be like a dog with a bone learning new a skill - and ok, I’m a decent knitter.   But perfectionism has its flip side and the demands of “getting it right” and a cultural pressure to never make mistakes, can sometimes leave me getting in my own way, and that is when kindness practice really needs to include myself.

I just keep practicing things that matter.  I practice my guitar and songwriting skills, I practice being a kinder friend, partner, mother, sister and daughter.  I practice noticing more when I go for a walk in the woods.  I practice listening and responding with kindness and open honest questions.  I practice learning from my mistakes.  I practice using language with others and myself that is kind and soul affirming.  I practice a new healthy habit to replace an old survival skill.   I practice being a basically kind human being, keeping my heart open and willing.  And the amazing thing is…the more I practice,  little by little I get better at whatever it is I’m practicing.

I have taken inspiration and comfort in the many versions (secular and spiritual) of kindness practice. Quakers have an idea that there is an Inner Light that lives within each person, and that this Inner Light is intimately connected to the great luminous connective tissue of the universe…the Light. In that way every person has “that of god within them” and deserves to be treated with dignity, respect and loving kindness. The Hindu/Sanskrit greeting of “Namaste” is a way of the living divinity within us addressing the living divinity in another person. There is a buddhist prayer called the Metta, that has been translated variously as boundless friendliness, general benevolence or goodwill, and even loving kindness.  Some practitioners, pray or chant a particular set of phrases daily. The idea is that you start with yourself, then expand outside of yourself and say it for those you love. Eventually you say it for those who you don’t know very well and for all living beings. Finally you say it for those you find difficult to love or hard to wish well.   There are a lot of versions of the Metta  all over the internet.  But here is a simple one.

May I (you) be safe

May I (you) be happy

May I (you) be healthy

May I (you) live in peace,

May my (your) heart be filled with love and kindness.

One of the many reasons I like saying this practice (as well as other poems or prayers) aloud each day is that it creates and reinforces a new habit.  If I continue to learn over time to sincerely wish well and embody kindness for everyone (including ourselves), then when something comes up that is hard or challenging my first impulse or thought is to lean into kindness.  Spiritual traditions from all over the world have mantras and prayers that are repeated as a reminder, to practice so that when we need them the words (and the impulse to love, decency and kindness) are already there in our hearts and minds.  It matters the words we practice everyday.  I can practice saying “Be not afraid” or “Love your neighbor & Welcome the Stranger” or “Hate never overcomes hate, only love can overcome hate” or “May your heart be filled with love and kindness” then little by little these phrases become part of my spiritual DNA.

But again…practice does not imply perfection, it implies a sincere intention.

So this week, I’m inviting people to think about kindness as a practice.  Something we do daily for one another and ourselves.

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Question:

If you were to create your own Metta - four lines that affirm your intention to live with more awareness and peace, interacting with a great sense of well being and loving kindness for others and ourselves - what would they be?

Practice:

This is week. Either in the morning or in the evening - or at lunch or when you are waiting at a stoplight or in the grocery line.  Say either the metta above (or your own metta).  Tell us what it was like to each day to affirm (with love and good intention -not perfection or pressure) something you’d like to develop as a practice.

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March Concerts & Workshops

get more information visit www.CarrieNewcomer.com/tour

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I gave myself flowers this week….it felt kind :-)

Golden spring light in the morning…it also felt like a kindness.